New MOOD by Onnit

She has a screw loose but also is a trust fund baby

  • Permalink screw Dr.S need your help on this one. I'm checking in from the Bay area. I've been dating this hottie for about 5 months now. She's got a screw loose for sure but she confessed to me when she was drunk that she has a trust fund that has a payout to the tune of 900 grand. So basically that's why I'm with her and I would never tell her that because I know she would go more batshit than she already is. By the way I caught her taste testing her poop a few weeks ago when she was drunk. I threw up when I walked in on her doing it and she doesn't remember it at all. Should I continue on this same path or take my chump change elsewhere? I would leave her before she rolls you a diarrhea burrito. Dr.S ">Gallery

    She has a screw loose but also is a trust fund baby

Dr.S need your help on this one. I’m checking in from the Bay area. I’ve been dating this hottie for about 5 months now. She’s got a screw loose for sure but she confessed to me when she was drunk that she has a trust fund that has a payout to the tune of 900 grand. So basically that’s why I’m with her and I would never tell her that because I know she would go more batshit than she already is. By the way I caught her taste testing her poop a few weeks ago when she was drunk. I threw up when I walked in on her doing it and she doesn’t remember it at all. Should I continue on this same path or take my chump change elsewhere?

I would leave her before she rolls you a diarrhea burrito. Dr.S

Dumb guys always propose to me just because I’m gorgeous

  • Permalink marriage Big fan of the stinky xoxo -Just want to say that you would be amazed at all the dumb guys who propose to me just because I am beautiful. I get it all the time honestly and it makes me sick to my stomach seeing as tho in 99% of the cases these silly guys know nothing about me and just come up to me and say--hey want to get married? How stupid are guys in 2014? Just because I am pretty doesn't mean I am ready to marry ya. By the way this doesn't happen to my average looking girl friends so I am the one cursed! I could be a serial killer for all they know. Guys-please STOP acting so stupid and get your heads screwed on straight. Don't ask a pretty girl you don't know for her hand in marriage. It's friggin dumb as hell AND WILL END IN DIVORCE! Muahhh Pretty and tight is all that guys care about it. Dr.S">Gallery

    Dumb guys always propose to me just because I’m gorgeous

Big fan of the stinky xoxo -Just want to say that you would be amazed at all the dumb guys who propose to me just because I am beautiful. I get it all the time honestly and it makes me sick to my stomach seeing as tho in 99% of the cases these silly guys know nothing about me and just come up to me and say–hey want to get married? How stupid are guys in 2014? Just because I am pretty doesn’t mean I am ready to marry ya. By the way this doesn’t happen to my average looking girl friends so I am the one cursed! I could be a serial killer for all they know. Guys-please STOP acting so stupid and get your heads screwed on straight. Don’t ask a pretty girl you don’t know for her hand in marriage. It’s friggin dumb as hell AND WILL END IN DIVORCE! Muahhh

Pretty and tight is all that guys care about it. Dr.S

He’s Mr. Grumpy Pants when I don’t allow him to pound my balloon knot

  • Permalink balloon knot My boyfriend mopes around all day like Mr. Grumpy Pants because I deny him anal. He is always like wanting to do it and I tell him it stings and all but he keeps insisting and then I get real nasty and say NOOOOOOO. I made the mistake of caving in a few months ago and he likes it and I don't so that's why he keeps pressing the issue. Right now he's on the couch eating popcorn and playing X box with his head set on while I type this. We aren't talking fyi. Sounds like he has an undiagnosed mental illness. Dr.S">Gallery

    He’s Mr. Grumpy Pants when I don’t allow him to pound my balloon knot

My boyfriend mopes around all day like Mr. Grumpy Pants because I deny him anal. He is always like wanting to do it and I tell him it stings and all but he keeps insisting and then I get real nasty and say NOOOOOOO. I made the mistake of caving in a few months ago and he likes it and I don’t so that’s why he keeps pressing the issue. Right now he’s on the couch eating popcorn and playing X box with his head set on while I type this. We aren’t talking fyi.

Sounds like he has an undiagnosed mental illness. Dr.S

This old fart is air drying his starfish and it’s unacceptable

  • Permalink starfish Dr.S check out this old fart letting the warm air dry his stupid starfish. Completely unacceptable locker room behavior in my opinion!! So absurd and reckless of him. Dr.S">Gallery

    This old fart is air drying his starfish and it’s unacceptable

Dr.S check out this old fart letting the warm air dry his stupid starfish. Completely unacceptable locker room behavior in my opinion!!

So absurd and reckless of him. Dr.S

My husband has been purchasing used panties on the internet

  • Permalink panties I just discovered that my husband has been purchasing used panties online. I guess it's been going on for over a year and he has an entire STINKY box devoted this little hobby of his. He says late at night he goes downstairs for a scotch but I know the real reason is that he can sniff some soiled panties! As you can imagine I am quite upset with this and he says it's his only form of escape and that he never has cheated on me and just uses this website called panty trust. We do have 2 small children so instead of saving for the college fund this is what he has elected to do. My girlfriends are telling me to divorce him asap and if it weren't for our kids I would definitely consider it! The stench of that box could probably clear out a large church. Dr.S ">Gallery

    My husband has been purchasing used panties on the internet

I just discovered that my husband has been purchasing used panties online. I guess it’s been going on for over a year and he has an entire STINKY box devoted this little hobby of his. He says late at night he goes downstairs for a scotch but I know the real reason is that he can sniff some soiled panties! As you can imagine I am quite upset with this and he says it’s his only form of escape and that he never has cheated on me and just uses this website called panty trust. We do have 2 small children so instead of saving for the college fund this is what he has elected to do. My girlfriends are telling me to divorce him asap and if it weren’t for our kids I would definitely consider it!

The stench of that box could probably clear out a large church. Dr.S

My boyfriend is lazy and uses pee bottles

  • Permalink water My boyfriend is too lazy to walk across the apartment and use the bathroom so he pees in water bottles and has a collection of them. He is almost 30 and I am wondering if any girls out there are dealing with this also. I told him he is disgusting many times but he continues to do it and doesn't care at all. I do love him and could never leave even tho he does this. You are a chump for embracing this sloth. Dr.S">Gallery

    My boyfriend is lazy and uses pee bottles

My boyfriend is too lazy to walk across the apartment and use the bathroom so he pees in water bottles and has a collection of them. He is almost 30 and I am wondering if any girls out there are dealing with this also. I told him he is disgusting many times but he continues to do it and doesn’t care at all. I do love him and could never leave even tho he does this.

You are a chump for embracing this sloth. Dr.S

There’s a creep who always lingers around my concession stand

  • Permalink linger7 Umm I work at a concession stand here in Denver. And there's this creep who always lingers around the stand even after I give him a beer and then another. He just stays off to the side and smiles at me and I try not to even look at him and all but it's hard because he kind of just stares me down like he is undressing me with his eyes. He's probably late 20s and he is not very good looking at all and kind of fat. Eww. I know all guys are mostly horny pigs so I understand it because I am a pretty girl and most guys hit on me wherever go. I am just trying to make some extra money for college so I don't really want to report him or anything because he's not doing anything other than lingering but the other day he slipped me a note with a 10 dollar bill that said FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY. When I reported him to my manager he was gone and he hasn't been back since. Once creep always a creep in my book!!! A creep who lingers will never recognize boundaries. Dr.S ">Gallery

    There’s a creep who always lingers around my concession stand

Umm I work at a concession stand here in Denver. And there’s this creep who always lingers around the stand even after I give him a beer and then another. He just stays off to the side and smiles at me and I try not to even look at him and all but it’s hard because he kind of just stares me down like he is undressing me with his eyes. He’s probably late 20s and he is not very good looking at all and kind of fat. Eww. I know all guys are mostly horny pigs so I understand it because I am a pretty girl and most guys hit on me wherever go. I am just trying to make some extra money for college so I don’t really want to report him or anything because he’s not doing anything other than lingering but the other day he slipped me a note with a 10 dollar bill that said FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY. When I reported him to my manager he was gone and he hasn’t been back since. Once creep always a creep in my book!!!

A creep who lingers will never recognize boundaries. Dr.S

She was in fact a home schooled loser and had an anal fissure as well

  • Permalink home schooled Let's put it this way. She confessed to me after a few glasses of wine that she was home schooled until she was 17 and then basically all hell broke loose. I made fun of her because I thought only losers are home schooled and she told me that's not true and just a stereotype. Sue me for over assuming Dr.S. Anyways later that night she told me hitting her in the starfish was out of the question because she had an anal fissure back there and if you don't know what that is you are a moron. Just kidding. Just go google it and educate yourself. That's all I got. Can't stop laughing at sharing my story with the world. Peace. Our schools are failing along with some compromised balloon knots. Dr.S">Gallery

    She was in fact a home schooled loser and had an anal fissure as well

Let’s put it this way. She confessed to me after a few glasses of wine that she was home schooled until she was 17 and then basically all hell broke loose. I made fun of her because I thought only losers are home schooled and she told me that’s not true and just a stereotype. Sue me for over assuming Dr.S. Anyways later that night she told me hitting her in the starfish was out of the question because she had an anal fissure back there and if you don’t know what that is you are a moron. Just kidding. Just go google it and educate yourself. That’s all I got. Can’t stop laughing at sharing my story with the world. Peace.

Our schools are failing along with some compromised balloon knots. Dr.S

I only chase self-absorbed and hot ones where anything goes

  • Permalink hot My friends make fun of me because of the stuff I am willing to put up with as long as the girl is hot. They joke that I would be willing to let a hot chick burn down my home and go back to dating her no matter how self-absorbed she is. They are probably right. Does that make me a chump? I don't think so. I just don't value any chick's personality if she's not hot as hell. Call me a dick but at least I know what I want out of this life. If she's average or worse maybe a BBW she might as well be 6 feet under in my eyes. Being compassionate towards all human beings is what's lacking these days. Dr.S ">Gallery

    I only chase self-absorbed and hot ones where anything goes

My friends make fun of me because of the stuff I am willing to put up with as long as the girl is hot. They joke that I would be willing to let a hot chick burn down my home and go back to dating her no matter how self-absorbed she is. They are probably right. Does that make me a chump? I don’t think so. I just don’t value any chick’s personality if she’s not hot as hell. Call me a dick but at least I know what I want out of this life. If she’s average or worse maybe a BBW she might as well be 6 feet under in my eyes.

Being compassionate towards all human beings is what’s lacking these days. Dr.S

Do you think she has Dennis Rodman legs?

  • Permalink legs Dr.S my boy and I were arguing about this the other night. Dennis Rodman legs or not? I said yes and he said they were perfect and he would spend the rest of his life kissing her ass like a loser. Not me. I'm out because of the Rod-Man leg thing going on that makes me see double. Yeah my vision is fuzzy as well and I don't do meth. Dr.S ">Gallery

    Do you think she has Dennis Rodman legs?

Dr.S my boy and I were arguing about this the other night. Dennis Rodman legs or not? I said yes and he said they were perfect and he would spend the rest of his life kissing her ass like a loser. Not me. I’m out because of the Rod-Man leg thing going on that makes me see double.

Yeah my vision is fuzzy as well and I don’t do meth. Dr.S

My stupid girlfriend said she would lick any hot celebrity’s taint

  • Permalink lick Yeah strange question here. The other night my girlfriend said she would lick any hot celebrity guy's taint even if he didn't take a proper shower after I asked her that also. Here's the rub tho. She has never licked my taint so I find this really really troubling. Not sure what to do about it. She was drunk when she said it but it just goes to show you how chicks are two faced and will spread their legs and lick a guy's taint if he's a celebrity even after they rolled around in mud or worse dog shit. I can't believe this and I actually I have been short with her the last few days. Might have to cut the cord here. Most chicks are opportunists so this makes me yawn a bit. Dr.S ">Gallery

    My stupid girlfriend said she would lick any hot celebrity’s taint

Yeah strange question here. The other night my girlfriend said she would lick any hot celebrity guy’s taint even if he didn’t take a proper shower after I asked her that also. Here’s the rub tho. She has never licked my taint so I find this really really troubling. Not sure what to do about it. She was drunk when she said it but it just goes to show you how chicks are two faced and will spread their legs and lick a guy’s taint if he’s a celebrity even after they rolled around in mud or worse dog shit. I can’t believe this and I actually I have been short with her the last few days. Might have to cut the cord here.

Most chicks are opportunists so this makes me yawn a bit. Dr.S

My roommate turns homicidal mad when he doesn’t score at da club

  • Permalink red I need some advice and I need it now. My roommate for the past 3 weekends has not scored at the club here in Scottsdale. He has been all over like a crazy drunk hitting them all up in old town and long story short when he comes home he basically rages and then I think he goes in his room and tugs off. Last weekend he threw a candle against the wall and it shattered and the next day I actually cut my foot on it and had to get a few stitches in the ER. I don't know what to do about it and tried to talking to him about it and he only got more heated saying he just wants to bang a different blonde each weekend. I am in grad school so I really have no time for this crap. He's really off the grid now and I'm afraid he might explode next weekend if he doesn't stick it in some hot chick. I honestly am thinking about moving out asap. Oh by the way he's 25 and says he doesn't juice but I'm pretty sure he does. Tell him hunting for the prey will lead nowhere. Dr.S ">Gallery

    My roommate turns homicidal mad when he doesn’t score at da club

I need some advice and I need it now. My roommate for the past 3 weekends has not scored at the club here in Scottsdale. He has been all over like a crazy drunk hitting them all up in old town and long story short when he comes home he basically rages and then I think he goes in his room and tugs off. Last weekend he threw a candle against the wall and it shattered and the next day I actually cut my foot on it and had to get a few stitches in the ER. I don’t know what to do about it and tried to talking to him about it and he only got more heated saying he just wants to bang a different blonde each weekend. I am in grad school so I really have no time for this crap. He’s really off the grid now and I’m afraid he might explode next weekend if he doesn’t stick it in some hot chick. I honestly am thinking about moving out asap. Oh by the way he’s 25 and says he doesn’t juice but I’m pretty sure he does.

Tell him hunting for the prey will lead nowhere. Dr.S

She’s mediocre at best so should I use my tongue or just quit it?

  • Permalink tongue Dr.S first off this is not her but I couldn't stop laughing at her tongue. I recently started seeing a basic bitch or let's just say she's mediocre at best in the looks department and her personality is kind of dog shit as well but hey beggars can't be choosers sometimes in this life. Anyways the other night she texts me late and was like when we get together this weekend would you mind giving me a rim job? I typically don't do that unless the chick is really attractive so I got cold feet and was like hey that's my thing but she was pretty persistent that she wants me to do it. She's 25 and I 32 so she's not some old C U Next Tuesday just FYI. What should I do? Should I give the place where the sun don't shine any attention or should I just run towards the light? If she has to ask it won't be worth the nostril assault and trauma. Dr.S">Gallery

    She’s mediocre at best so should I use my tongue or just quit it?

Dr.S first off this is not her but I couldn’t stop laughing at her tongue. I recently started seeing a basic bitch or let’s just say she’s mediocre at best in the looks department and her personality is kind of dog shit as well but hey beggars can’t be choosers sometimes in this life. Anyways the other night she texts me late and was like when we get together this weekend would you mind giving me a rim job? I typically don’t do that unless the chick is really attractive so I got cold feet and was like hey that’s my thing but she was pretty persistent that she wants me to do it. She’s 25 and I 32 so she’s not some old C U Next Tuesday just FYI. What should I do? Should I give the place where the sun don’t shine any attention or should I just run towards the light?

If she has to ask it won’t be worth the nostril assault and trauma. Dr.S

I’m never having kids and this is one of my reasons

  • Permalink dad Check out this dad's comment under his daughter's pic on FB. I got sick to my stomach and coughed up a portion of my chipotle burrito. Sad part about is that I had asked for extra chicken and spit it up on the table. I don't think kids are in the cards for me because I don't want to bring them into this messed up world we live in. When I have no answer I blame mental illness. Dr.S ">Gallery

    I’m never having kids and this is one of my reasons

Check out this dad’s comment under his daughter’s pic on FB. I got sick to my stomach and coughed up a portion of my chipotle burrito. Sad part about is that I had asked for extra chicken and spit it up on the table. I don’t think kids are in the cards for me because I don’t want to bring them into this messed up world we live in.

When I have no answer I blame mental illness. Dr.S

I hate when dumb chicks say ‘stay classy’ on Facebook with hash tags

  • Permalink unclassy Dr.S I'm so sick of seeing dumb chicks on Facebook writing #stayclassy on Facebook. I can't tell you how many times I see that stupid post. Usually they are in groups with their dumb ass friends drinking margaritas or maybe sharing a giant drink with 80 straws. Why do they act so stupid? Please help me. They are searching for meaning so let them be. Dr.S ">Gallery

    I hate when dumb chicks say ‘stay classy’ on Facebook with hash tags

Dr.S I’m so sick of seeing dumb chicks on Facebook writing #stayclassy on Facebook. I can’t tell you how many times I see that stupid post. Usually they are in groups with their dumb ass friends drinking margaritas or maybe sharing a giant drink with 80 straws. Why do they act so stupid? Please help me.

They are searching for meaning so let them be. Dr.S

He made fun of my vaginal walls to his friends and everyone knows

  • Permalink walls I got into a fight with my boyfriend last week because I caught him on Tinder. He swears he hasn't met anyone from it but I don't believe him. Anyways a few days later I guess he was pissed that I was harassing him about it so he went and told his friends that I have meaty vaginal walls. So I was out the other night at this bar we all hang out at and one of his friends taps me on the shoulder and says "Hey RBC". I was like what the hell is RBC?! He then tells me it's Roast Beef Curtains and that it's my new nickname. I am just mortified honestly and don't know what I should do. Join Tinder and just a find a new guy to part your curtains already. Dr.S ">Gallery

    He made fun of my vaginal walls to his friends and everyone knows

I got into a fight with my boyfriend last week because I caught him on Tinder. He swears he hasn’t met anyone from it but I don’t believe him. Anyways a few days later I guess he was pissed that I was harassing him about it so he went and told his friends that I have meaty vaginal walls. So I was out the other night at this bar we all hang out at and one of his friends taps me on the shoulder and says “Hey RBC”. I was like what the hell is RBC?! He then tells me it’s Roast Beef Curtains and that it’s my new nickname. I am just mortified honestly and don’t know what I should do.

Join Tinder and just a find a new guy to part your curtains already. Dr.S

Is this what California looks like every day basically?

  • Permalink cali Dr.S I live here in Northern New Hampshire and it's already turning cold here. Pretty soon any girls that are halfway decent looking will be wearing big coats and looking like men. So it's impossible to see day light until next May. I'm thinking about relocating to Cali in a few weeks because my job is portable somewhat. Should I do it? Is this what it will be like every day I am there? If it is I will book the next red eye out there. I have never been to the west coast and it would be a huge move for me. Is the west coast where it's at or should I continue living like a cold freak here with no hope for the future? Just move already before you trip into a snowbank filled with cyanide and dog piss. Dr.S ">Gallery

    Is this what California looks like every day basically?

Dr.S I live here in Northern New Hampshire and it’s already turning cold here. Pretty soon any girls that are halfway decent looking will be wearing big coats and looking like men. So it’s impossible to see day light until next May. I’m thinking about relocating to Cali in a few weeks because my job is portable somewhat. Should I do it? Is this what it will be like every day I am there? If it is I will book the next red eye out there. I have never been to the west coast and it would be a huge move for me. Is the west coast where it’s at or should I continue living like a cold freak here with no hope for the future?

Just move already before you trip into a snowbank filled with cyanide and dog piss. Dr.S

Should I forgive her if her leg is way too damn heavy?

  • Permalink leg Just wondering if I should forgive her if her leg is way too heavy for this earth. I don't care if she squats by the way. She has a good personality and all and is cute but it's like the leg throws a wrench into it all. What should I do? Should I open my heart and be more forgiving or move on? Please help me. Move on and save yourself before it's too late. Dr.S">Gallery

    Should I forgive her if her leg is way too damn heavy?

Just wondering if I should forgive her if her leg is way too heavy for this earth. I don’t care if she squats by the way. She has a good personality and all and is cute but it’s like the leg throws a wrench into it all. What should I do? Should I open my heart and be more forgiving or move on? Please help me.

Move on and save yourself before it’s too late. Dr.S

She knew her legs would be spread open after just one minute of convo

  • Permalink good I recently went on a date with a chick I met on match.com and when I say recently I mean like 3 weeks ago. Well anyways three weeks later I am still smashing it. We originally met at Applebee's near her house for happy hour and a couple of days ago I asked her how long did she know before she decided she was going to bang me. I heard girls know in 30 seconds or so when they meet a guy but she told me after a minute of conversation she knew her legs would be spread open and that they would be on my shoulders as I pummeled her. Not in so many words but you get the point Dr.S. She's probably a solid 8 and that's not exaggerating. Put a ring on her if she's doing the Applebee's thing. Dr.S ">Gallery

    She knew her legs would be spread open after just one minute of convo

I recently went on a date with a chick I met on match.com and when I say recently I mean like 3 weeks ago. Well anyways three weeks later I am still smashing it. We originally met at Applebee’s near her house for happy hour and a couple of days ago I asked her how long did she know before she decided she was going to bang me. I heard girls know in 30 seconds or so when they meet a guy but she told me after a minute of conversation she knew her legs would be spread open and that they would be on my shoulders as I pummeled her. Not in so many words but you get the point Dr.S. She’s probably a solid 8 and that’s not exaggerating.

Put a ring on her if she’s doing the Applebee’s thing. Dr.S

I have not been washing between bang sessions and am proud of it

  • Permalink bang session I am here to confess my sins. I am banging 3 girls right now and none of them know about each other here in Kansas City. I am probably going to hell but honestly I don't care because soon I will be 30 and I know it's probably going down hill from there. Well last Saturday afternoon I was tapping one of my girl's in the dumper and went in raw dog. Long story short I didn't wash afterwards and when the night rolled around one of my other girls came over for pizza and wine and blew me. She looked up at me like something was weird but then kept going when I just played dumb. I did shoot my load all over her forehead if that matters at all. Your vile tendencies disgust me. Dr.S ">Gallery

    I have not been washing between bang sessions and am proud of it

I am here to confess my sins. I am banging 3 girls right now and none of them know about each other here in Kansas City. I am probably going to hell but honestly I don’t care because soon I will be 30 and I know it’s probably going down hill from there. Well last Saturday afternoon I was tapping one of my girl’s in the dumper and went in raw dog. Long story short I didn’t wash afterwards and when the night rolled around one of my other girls came over for pizza and wine and blew me. She looked up at me like something was weird but then kept going when I just played dumb. I did shoot my load all over her forehead if that matters at all.

Your vile tendencies disgust me. Dr.S

I’m not sorry for not caring about preserving the environment

  • Permalink cheese Dr.S I recently bought these bag of Kraft cheese that's shredded the way I like it so when I'm hungover I can sprinkle it in my eggs. Take a look at it closely. Why do I care that's it less packaging and the same amount of cheese? Could I give 3 fucks? No! Do I care about sticking it in a hot girl's tight vaginal walls? Umm yessss and that's really all that matters. Please recycle tomorrow if you can to put a smile on my face. Dr.S">Gallery

    I’m not sorry for not caring about preserving the environment

Dr.S I recently bought these bag of Kraft cheese that’s shredded the way I like it so when I’m hungover I can sprinkle it in my eggs. Take a look at it closely. Why do I care that’s it less packaging and the same amount of cheese? Could I give 3 fucks? No! Do I care about sticking it in a hot girl’s tight vaginal walls? Umm yessss and that’s really all that matters.

Please recycle tomorrow if you can to put a smile on my face. Dr.S